Problems in marriage are almost always caused by these 10 marriage killers

Discover what researchers have found that causes problems in marriage. If you or your partner are using any of these 10 marriage killers: stop right now and protect your love from the things that cause problems in marriage.

1. Fighting, Arguing, Believing that you're right

The number one cause of problems in marriage come from fights or arguments which lead to harsh words and hurtful statements. When each of you believes you're right, it makes the other person wrong.

Avoid problems in marriage by identifying the irresolvable issues and agreeing never, ever to fight about those. It's hurtful, damaging, and totally a waste of time, love, and energy. (This will cut the number of fights by from 70 to 90 Percent.)

2. Being Contemptuous of Your Partner

Contempt is the worst of the communications that cause problems in marriage. Contempt, scorn, or distain show open disrespect of your partner. When you do have to fight or argue, — and you will — never, ever display contempt.

3. Displaying disgust toward your partner

Disgust causes problems in marriage, because it shows an acute 'dislike' of your partner. It shows you are revolted, sickened, or repelled by your partner. This is the opposite of love. This erodes both of your bundles of love. Just as you control yourself so as to never strike each other physically, you must learn to control your words, gestures, and expressions — if you really care about having a happy marriage that lasts.

4. Becoming defensive, rather than listening

Defensiveness causes problems in marriage. A minor disagreement can escalate into a hurtful exchange if you respond to criticism by being defensive. To have a happy marriage — that lasts — learn to respond to criticism by listening, not going on the defensive.

5. Criticizing, Rather Than Complaining

Criticizing cause problems in marriage because it makes your partner wrong. It's fine to complain, because that's about you. A complaint is about you being unhappy. A criticism is about your partner being wrong. It's about blaming your unhappiness on your partner. That won't get you a happy marriage that lasts. Criticizing is one of the major causes of problems in marriage.

6. Stonewalling: Not Being Open To Discussion

Stonewalling is a serious cause of problems in marriage. Stonewalling is ignoring your partner totally — not listening or responding when your partner is speaking, complaining, or even criticizing. The message stonewalling gives is "you're not important" or "I can totally ignore or disregard what you say or feel." This isn't being there for your partner. This isn't expressing love toward your partner. This can lead to real problems in marriage.

7. Making Mountains Out Of Molehills

Take something trivial and make it hugely important, and you have the recipe for problems in marriage. Save your influence for things that are important. Practice accepting, forgiving, and forgetting the little things. Do as Richard Carlson says in his book, "Don't sweat the small stuff...and it's all small stuff."

8. Comparing Your Partner to Other People

One way to have problems in marriage is to compare your partner to someone else: "You're just like your father." or "You sound like your mother." Or, "Why can't you be more like Mel?" You love your partner. Your partner is incomparable. If you want a happy marriage that lasts, you'll give up the idea of ever comparing your partner to someone else.

9. Judging Your Partner by Your Expectations

If you really want to start problems in marriage, judge your partner by your own expectations.

If your partner is different in some way than what you expected, you've got two choices. You can be surprised, or you can be upset. We recommend you be surprised, because surprises make you happy. If you choose to be be upset or disappointed, we suggest you cope with that feeling, or replace it with surprise. (More about how to cope in the next page in this group...called Coping.)

10. Judging Your Partner by Your Rules

Everybody is entitled to their own rules. I can't expect you to live by mine. You can't expect me to live by yours. So, unless you want to create problems in marriage, don't expect your partner to live by your rules.

Sally was all over Walter because Walter was not as neat as Sally. Sally had rules about picking up: everything must be in it's place, and never leave things on the kitchen sink overnight.

This difference in neatness (which, by the way, is an irresolvable difference), almost drove them apart. Sally criticized. Walter became defensive, and over time he just tuned her out and turned to stonewalling.

Finally, they learned about irresolvable differences and agreed never, ever again to fight about neatness issues. Sally still wanted us to acknowledge that she was really "right" about being a stickler for neatness.

We helped Sally understand that both of them were "right." Sally, however, was judging Walter by her rules. And that will virtually always lead to problems in marriage.

Now You Know 10 Ways To Create Problems In Marriage

If you recognized yourself, or your partner, in any of those 10 marriage killers, and you really want your marriage to be happy and to last for the rest of your life, learn how to stop doing what you were doing, do something more productive, and learn to cope with those things your partner does. Luckily, coping is the next topic in this section on ways to Grow Your Love.

Continue with the next topic in the series
"Love After Marriage: Coping with Marriage Problems"
Click on Next

Return to read more about "Problems in Marriage" click on Problems in Marriage

Join the team of couples dedicated to making their marriage last. Click on: Join the Team