Positive Relationship Signs Assure a Happy MarriageWhat are positive relationship signs? Those are the signs that show you, (and anybody who pays attention to your interactions with your partner) that your relationship is healthy and positive. Positive relationship signs are those words, attitudes, gestures, facial expressions, and body language that a married couple give to each other. To have a happy marriage that lasts, you each need to give each other 5 positives for every negative. Researchers would call this a positivity ratio of 5 to 1 or more. You Need A Positivity Ratio of 5 to 1 or HigherWhen you talk about positive relationship signs, you have to think of Drs. John and Julie Gottman at the Gottman Institute. Those folks at the Gottman Institute in Seattle are amazing. They bring couples into an apartment like a “love lab,” and study them by taping, watching, and listening to every gesture. They have codes for every little thing that happens between the couple. They can predict with over 90% accuracy whether the marriage will end in divorce … or not. One of the exercises is to ask the couple to discuss a conflict issue for 15 minutes. Amazingly, within the first three minutes the researchers can tell how the discussion will end, and whether it will strengthen or damage the relationship. They did this with a group of newlyweds, and then followed those couples over 6 years and verified their predictions. Over 90% accurate! They're making a science out of relationships. We use the word positivity to mean keeping the exchanges between you and your partner 5 times more positive than negative. That's right. If you express positive feelings toward your partner 5 times as often as negative feelings, you'll have a positive ratio of 5 to 1. That's positivity. Positivity is so important that if you keep your ratio at 5 to 1 or more, your marriage is almost divorce proof. A positivity ratio of 5 to 1 is one of the keys to a marriage that gets happier and happier throughout your marriage. If both partners have a positivity ratio of 5 to 1, you've got a sure thing. But, if one can keep his or her positivity ratio above 5 to 1, the positivity draws the other partner into positivity too. It's very hard to be negative toward someone who is being positive toward you. Every positive expression isn't equal, and neither is every negative. So, we'll show you the different codes that researchers at Gottman use. First, we'll list the positives … because that's what we want to focus on. Positive Relationship SignsPositive relationship signs even include signs that are Neutral ... something like an 'Uh-huh' is still a little positive. It's worth 1/10th of a point (.1) An expression of interest, like “Really” or “Tell me more” is +2. Validation, such as “You're right about that” is +4. Affection, from an “I love you” to calling your partner “sweetheart” is a +4. Humor is good for +4 and surprise or joy like, “Wow, that's great” is good for +4 Positive Point Values:
Here are some Not-So Positive Relationship SignsHere are the minuses ... or negatives. Each of these is worth -1. If you express anger toward your partner, you'd have to give 5 points worth of positives to stay above 5 to 1. So if you whine, or are domineering, or sad, you'd have to express affection and interest totaling +6 to stay positive. The Minus 1's Anger Moderately Negative Relationship SignsHere are the Minus-2's: Stonewalling, which is withdrawing and ignoring what your partner is saying, is a minus-2, and so are Defensiveness, Criticism, and Belligerence. If you go picking a fight or criticize, 'BOOM' that's -2, and to keep your ratio positive, you'd have to make up 10 points of validation, affection, interest, or humor.
Minus-2s Stonewalling Really Really Negative Relationship SignsWe call the minus 2's 3's and 4's “land mines,” because they are so damaging that they quickly fortell the death of the marriage. Showing disgust toward your partner is a -3 and you'd have to express 15 points of positives to make up for that. Even worse — and for some people even more difficult to forgive — is displaying contempt at -4. It takes 20 points of positives to make up for one contemptuous remark or dismissive body language. “Land Mines” Disgust: -3 What if You've Shared Some Not-so Positive Relationship Signs?What's important about these positive and negatives is the ratio. Some couples, whom Gottman describes as “volatile” actually may use lots of negatives, but they also are generous with their positives … so they keep their ratio above 5 to 1. You can get away with a few land mines if you are terrific at expressing affection, laugh a lot, and leave no doubt that under the negatives is a strong base of love. Ways To Build The Positivity RatioTwo of the most powerful positive relationship signs are fondness and admiration. We call this the appreciables list. Just for fun you may want to make a list of all the things that you appreciate about your partner, your relationship, your intimacy, your touching, your affection, and your partners respect, admiration, and caring for you.
If you could make a point of expressing one thing you appreciate, respect, or admire about your partner, every day, you'd build up so much positivity that you're sure to succeed in your relationship. Wow. One "appreciable" a day. What's so hard about that? An appreciable a day: “Today I was thinking how much I appreciate______about you." “Today I couldn't help think how much I admire you for the way you_____________." “Today, I was remembering how sexy you were when__________________." Just one of those could be worth 80 points when you add the whole conversation up. That would give you a little leeway to be human and get angry, or grumpy sometimes. Some more positive relationship signs are admiration, appreciation, and fondness. These builds huge globs of positivity. Touches, kisses, and little touches of affection all build positivity quickly. More positive relationship signs Admiration Turn Toward Your PartnerOther positive relationship signs that build positivity is what Gottman calls “turning toward” instead of “turning away." Turning toward means being interested in your partner. This isn't the big “I love you thing.” This is saying, “Really” when your partner says something. Or, “Tell me about that,” or even “Huh." If you say something and your partner makes no response — even to register that you spoke — you get the feeling that you could be in the company of a house plant. Turning Toward not Turning away “Really?” Do not be like a house plantYou add to your positivity by being interested or curious about what your partner thinks, feels, or has opinions about anything. “What do you think about that?” could start a conversation, or extend one. So could "How do you feel about that?" Or "What's your opinion?" Summary of Positive Relationship SignsPositivity at a ratio of 5 to 1 or more is a key factor in whether your relationship will last. It is really, really important. It can get you through the most challenging difficulties. And, it makes your married life so much more pleasant than negativity. We've discussed several ways in which you can increase your positivity, and it will also increase your partner's, as well. We talked about building a list of appreciables that you can use to think about daily, and to express to your partner as often as possible — things you admire, appreciate, and care for in your partner. Finally, you've learned that it's important to listen, respond, show interest, and affirm what your partner is saying. I hope it's clear to you now why it is so important that you and your partner become friends. Friends give each other many more positive relationship signs. To continue with the next article in the series Happy Marriage Recipe: To return to the top of the page, click on: Positive Relationship Signs Join the team of couples who are dedicated to making their marriage last. Click on: Join the Team
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