You or your Soul Mate
Must be Laid Back

Note: This page is about being laid back or slow to anger. If you did not reach this page from the "All About Soul Mates" page, please read that first. Click on: Return to All About Soul Mates.

By laid back, we mean slow to anger. Here's why it's important. Explosive anger can kill marriages. It kills them by beginning 'issue' discussions in an angry and negative way. The problem doesn't get resolved, and the love bundle is damaged by harsh words and hurtful statements.

It's ideal if you both are laid back and slow to anger. But, you can still be soul mates with a happy marriage that lasts, if only one of you is slow to anger.

The laid back person can calm the one with the explosive anger and make sure that no harsh words are exchanged.

How Can Being Laid Back Assure no Damage is Done?

Once you both understand the potential damage from an explosive temper, you can agree to disengage whenever a temper explosion occurs. If you've both agreed never to have 'issue' discussions while angry, the angry partner can accept the laid back partner's refusal to get caught up in an angry discussion.

The laid back partner can disengage in many different ways.

• Leave the joint space temporarily. "Be back when we're both feeling more positive."
• Abort the discussion, temporarily. "Let's not have an angry exchange. Let's talk when we're feeling loving."
• Calm and soothe the explosive one. "Oh, You Poor Dear. You're having one of those attacks again. I so sorry."
• Calm and soothe: "Let me hold you until the anger leaves."

Treat Explosive Anger as a Cultural Disorder

The slow to anger partner can help immensely by 'reframing' the angry outburst from an attack on the partner to a 'cultural disorder.' For example, people frequently talk about the "Irish temper," or the "Italian temper." Some families like loud and vigorous interchanges, so the children learn how to do that as well. Rather than feeling bad about an attack, you can attribute it to your partner's "heritage."

What's the Benefit of That?

The laid back partner can accept the angry outbursts as something the explosive partner learned to do, isn't really aware of, and maybe really can't help, rather than as a revelation of the explosive partner's "real feelings."

Don was a laid back person who was greatly relieved to learn about the reframe. He'd been deeply confused by his explosive partner's consistent displays of love, interrupted by intermittent explosive outbursts with hurtful attacks.

For a long time Don thought that the outbursts must be revealing his partner's true feelings. Now he understands that it's something she can't help, and doesn't really reveal anything about her feelings toward him or their relationship.

If a married person, who is troubled by explosive outbursts of anger, simply understands that the outbursts are not expressions of true feelings, but rather symptoms of an anger disorder of some sort, they can become prepared to repair any damage the outburst may have done, when the explosion is over.

If the outbursts lead to truly dangerous behaviors such as physical attacks, or recklessness (for example, road rage, or alcohol or drug abuse), then we recommend treatment. As long as the outbursts are just angry words, we think the efforts to change are better directed toward becoming an ideal soul mate. Developing habits of Positivity, Optimism, Appreciation, and Happy Memories will go a long way toward mitigating the temper explosions.

The point here is that a couple can have a wonderfully happy marriage that lasts, even if both partners aren't slow to anger, and even in spite of one partner being somewhat explosive. As long as the explosive partner has a soul mate who is laid back, slow to anger, and who can accept, forgive, and forget, the relationship has a chance.

"Ideal" Soul Mates are Both Laid Back and Slow to Anger

As you'll see on the next page of the Soul Mate section, to be ideal soul mates:

• Both partners need to be as positive as they can be.
• Only one partner needs to be an optimist, although adversity is better handled by two optimists.
• Both partners need to be as appreciative as they can be.
• Only one partner absolutely needs to be laid back and slow to anger. Although it's better if both are.
• Both partners need the pleasure and support that come from happy memories.

The next attribute of an ideal soul mate is happy memories. Click on: Happy Memories

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