Discover why it's important
for Your Soul Mate
to have Happy Memories

Note: This page is about the importance of having happy memories. If you did not reach this page from the "All About Soul Mates" page, please read that first. Click on: Return to All About Soul Mates.

We advise people searching for partners to look for a person with happy memories, especially memories of past relationships. The reason we do that is if Harold, or Agnes has had four relationships, and they all ended disastrously, you might just be number five.

You already have a partner, and you want to make your partner your soul mate, so you can have a happy marriage that lasts. If your partner doesn't have happy memories, then it's good to know that it is possible to transform unhappy memories into happy memories.

Or, if your partner has happy memories — and you don't — you'll be delighted to discover you can convert unhappy memories into happy memories.

We're back to that positivity thing again. It takes positivity to turn bad memories into happy memories, and you can't get too much practice being positive.

How Do You Turn a Bad Memory Into a Good One?

For medium bad memories (not those really horrible ones), we suggest you use the four questions and a map that are such powerful tools for coping. Practice Acting, Asking, Accepting, and Forgiving to give yourself a way of coping with the memory. Bad memories evoke emotions. The Coping questions involve reasoning. By moving from emotion to reason any time one of those memories is evoked, the sting goes out of them. If you haven't read that page, click on: Coping

Also, your four questions will give you the answer for how you'll handle that memory when it is evoked again. That means that anytime the bad memory comes back, it will have a second, rational and reasoned thought paired with it.

What About Really Horrible Memories?

For really horrible memories, we suggest you go one step further than the four questions. Rationality and reason are not enough defense against traumatic memories.

We suggest you struggle to find the good in whatever happened that was so traumatic. When you find the good in it, you pair that thought with the horrible memory so that when it returns, both memories come back, paired together.

When the two thoughts come into your mind, along with the feelings, you'll have the original bad feeling and the accompanying good feeling.

You can then practice the skills you've learned about "marking" happy memories. You purposefully mark the good feeling you get from the positive paired memory, and you allow the bad memory to fade with marking it.

Eventually, the bad memory will get weaker and weaker and the positive aspect that you've found in it gets stronger and stronger.

Examples of Bad Memories Turned into Happy Memories

Notice that in some of these examples, the people have had to purposefully distort the memory to find some good in it.

• "Yes, my father was a sadist who beat me, but as a result I am the strong, self-reliant person I am today. And, I'm sure he thought he was helping me build character.”
• “The rapist tortured me for hours, and I still have nightmares about it. I've forgiven him because I know that's what I need to do for me to be free of the pain. I am the person I am today, in part, because of that event, and I like who I am today. Besides, I feel sure that he is more tortured today by his crime and his vile life than I was.”
• “I was thrown out of three schools because of my drug use. The moral strength and persistence I have today came from learning how to escape addiction. I've forgiven myself because that was the only way I could ever be free of the guilt. The pain and shame I caused my family brought them all closer together than they would have been.”

Call it rationalizing. Call it distorting reality. If you can't change the past — and it only serves to make your life painful — it is wise to accept the past and move forward in a positive, healthful way. Any mental gymnastics that serve to turn your painful memories into happy memories are powerful tools for you in learning to be happier for the future.

Do We Recommend Purposeful Distortion?

Yes, but only in a few, carefully selected situations. In the case of traumatic memories, it may be necessary to distort reality to find the good in it (as illustrated in the italicized portions of the examples above.)

There are two other situations where we think distorting reality produces a very positive result:

The first situation:

We think it is wise to be “crazy in love” and be blind to your lover's defects. We suggest that you will be happier in your love life if you look past your partner's weaknesses, and see almost exclusively your partner's good points. That's readjusting reality for love. It may not make you the most realistic person in the world, but it'll make you a great, loving partner and your partner's true soul mate.

The second situation:

One more time when purposeful distortion is useful is when you see or interact with your child. Your child “is” the most appealing, lovable, remarkable, child that anyone has ever had.

To summarize this section on finding your soul mate, or creating your soul mate, click on: Soul Mate Test

To return to the top of the page, click on: Happy Memories

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