Happy Marriage Tips:
Ask: "What can I do to get closer to what I want for my life?"

You see your partner's wet towel on the floor ... again. Ask the Happy Marriage Tips Coping Question number four ...

"What can I do that will bring me closer to what I want for my life?"

In other words, you consider the consequences of any choice you make. What can you do that will bring you closer to your goal of a happy marriage that lasts?

In reality there are unlimited ways to answer the question, but the Happy Marriage Tips Coping Model helps narrow the choices, and only gives you four wise choices.

You can

1. ACT
2. ASK
3. ACCEPT or
4. FORGIVE

Happy Marriage Tips: ACT when ACTion will bring you closer to your goal

Let's consider some actions you could take:

1. You could scream, complain, nag, or whine about the newest case of the wet towel on the floor.
2. You could pick up the wet towel and put it in his underwear drawer to dampen his shorts.
3. You could pick it up and put it on the towel rack where it belongs, making no mention of it.
4. You could pick it up, put it away, and remember to criticize him for being a slob.
5. You could ignore it and wait for him to see it, pick it up, and hang it where it belongs.

If you ask yourself, "What Action could I take that would lead to my goal of a happy marriage that lasts?" you would probably rule out answers 1,2, and 4.

You could choose to pick it up yourself without comment (number 3).

Ignoring it might make you unhappy, but if ignoring it is easy for you, then your choice may be not to act (number 5).

Happy Marriage Tips: ASK when ASKing will bring you closer to your goal

If you decided that ACTion wasn't your wisest choice, then consider question two of the Happy Marriage Tips: "Will asking or negotiating about this issue bring me closer to my goal?"

Let's consider how you might ASK to resolve the bad feeling you're having:

1. "Would you mind picking up your towel? I don't want a wet spot on the rug."
2. "Would you please pick up your towel? I'm your wife, not your mother."
3. "Could we schedule a time to discuss how best I can help you remember to pick up your towel?"
4. "Would you be willing to accompany me to the marriage counselor? Maybe she has an answer to what you are saying to me by leaving your wet towel on the floor."

If you chose anything but choice number 1, you really need these happy marriage tips on coping, because choices 2, 3 and 4 will either lead to trouble, or are definitely overkill.

Happy Marriage Tips: If ACTion or ASKing won't resolve the issue, ACCEPT what can't or won't be changed

The wet towel example should have been resolved by action, or asking. But, suppose you picked up the towel and put it away without comment. That's wonderful. Action taken, problem solved.

Now suppose you ended up with some bad feelings about having to pick up after your "slob" of a husband, who is "always" being "thoughtless" and leaving you to pick up after him, as though you were his "maid."

Actually, these bad feelings are no longer caused by a dropped wet towel.

The bad feelings you are having now are caused by your being resentful toward your partner because YOU CHOSE to pick up the towel and put it away with no comment.

When you review the questions about this NEW bad feeling, ASK yourself:

1. What's happening?

"I'm feeling resentful toward my partner because I chose to pick up his towel."

2. How Am I Creating This Feeling?

"I'm having thoughts which accuse him of "always" being "thoughtless." My judgement is that he is a "slob." I'm feeling angry that he expects me to be his maid."

3. Is This What I want For My Life?

"No, I don't want a life filled with angry accusations and feelings of being mistreated."

4. What Can I do To Get Closer To What I Want For My Life?

Will ACTION take me closer to my goal of a happy marriage that lasts?
Will ASKING take me closer to my goal of a happy marriage that lasts?
Will ACCEPTING take me closer to my goal of a happy marriage that lasts?
Will FORGIVING take me closer to my goal of a happy marriage that lasts?

ACTion won't resolve these bad feelings. The feelings aren't caused by the towel. You chose to put it away.

ASKing won't resolve these bad feelings. Your husband is no longer involved in these bad feelings.

ACCEPTing is a wonderful idea. You can ACCEPT your husband for "occasionally" being untidy. You can think about how you appreciate him for all the wonderful things he brings to your life.

Forgiving is always a great choice. You can FORGIVE your husband for his occasional lapses. You can forgive yourself for choosing to do a nice thing and then having thoughts that created anger and resentment about it.

Happy Marriage Tips: Be as forgiving a person as you can be

Remember, "A good marriage is the union of two good forgivers,"which fits right in with the Happy Marriage Tips on forgiveness.

There is no greater gift you can give someone than forgiveness. Forgiveness also benefits you.

Someone said, "Failure to forgive is the worst form of self-punishment." In other words, you don't forgive because the person deserves it, that may or may not be so. You forgive because forgiveness relieves you of the pain created by hanging on to anger, disgust, or hatred.

In summary, ACT when action will resolve the bad feeling. ASK when negotiations will resolve the issue and your bad feelings.

When neither acting or asking will resolve the issue or your bad feelings, simply ACCEPT what can't or won't be changed.

If forgiveness is called for, FORGIVE to resolve your bad feelings.

Happy Marriage Tips: Coping successfully is the single most important thing in a happy marriage

It's been proven that marriages are killed by the little things:

• An angry start to a discussion plus the harsh words that follow, e.g. contempt, disgust, defensiveness, stonewalling, etc.
• Letting little things build into large resentments
• Failing to appreciate
• Failing to listen
• Failing to give the marriage the priority it deserves.

Coping is an all-purpose tool. It resolves bad feelings about little things and big things. It is the single most important tool that you and your partner can use to achieve your goal of a happy marriage that lasts.

There is a huge payoff for coping well. To learn about that payoff read "Payoff from Coping Well."

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