How to Get Over Infatuation When You're
Married, Committed, or Too Young

Sometimes people are desperate to get over infatution that they don't want, or would ruin their marriage. Here's an email I got recently:

Ken,

I read through a fair amount of the site. It helped.

I have been married for ** years. I have 2 sons. I am turning ** in a month.

Recently, I have met a woman at work (** years old) whom (after reading your site) I realize I have a strong attraction to that is leading into infatuation. She does not know I feel this way by the way. However, the infatuation is just as you defined it on the site to a T. It's madness and uncontrollable.

I struggle to eat, can't sleep, trying to talk to my wife about it (but the subject is hurtful so I am careful with my words). This is such a nightmare. I feel like a foolish schoolboy.

I feel lost. I don't want to ruin my family or marriage but I cannot seem to unhook the infatuation. Maybe I just need to weather it.

I want to protect my marriage. I'm scared.

Please advise,

Signed **********

As you can see, this poor fellow is desperate to get over infatuation, and is scared.

How Did It Turn Out?

I don't know. I sent him the suggestions I've included here, and I never heard from him again. He didn't respond to my follow up emails. Maybe he was able to get over infatuation, or maybe he didn't really want to.

You could tell he was terribly torn. Infatuation is such a powerful drug some people just can't give it up. Even if you show them how, they won't take the medicine because the infatuation feels so wonderful. And, also, the most powerful medicine you can use to get over infatuation is bitter and disgusting.

The Fastest Way To Get Over Infatuation

Here's the email I sent in response to his request:

Hi,***********,

You did the right thing, reaching out for help.

You are wise enough to know that this infatuation could ruin your family and marriage. To get over infatuation, you can use positive and negative strategies. The most powerful are called "aversive" or negative strategies. But, they are ugly and bitter tasting medicines.

I don't know anything about you, so I'm going to give you a shotgun blast of possibilities.

Your goal is to get over infatuation, and you have to do it fast, cleanly, and quickly.

I've helped others through this, and sometimes it has worked so quickly they were able to get over infatuation in one day.

The madness of the infatuation will fight you, but you can do it, and one or several of these possibilities will work for you.

Infatuation takes over your reasoning powers and limits your ability to think. The mechanism it uses is your imagination. You begin imagining you with her. You imagine all kinds of wonderful things.

Your most powerful fire-fighting tool is your ability to change what you are imagining. You get over infatuation by taking back control of your imagination, which is endangering you, your wife, your marriage, your sons, and your extended family.

The creative part is choosing how you will distort what you are imagining.

What worked for one guy was to find the most disgusting thing he'd ever heard of, and imagine the girl he was infatuated with doing that. Every time she came into his mind (via his imagination) he interrupted what he was imagining by imagining her doing that thing that he found so disgusting.

Very quickly, every time he thought of her, he had two paired thoughts: one a positive image brought on by the infatuation, and another disgusting thought brought up on purpose to counter the first thought. He almost took it too far, because the infatuation quickly melted away, and then, in order to able to continue as her coworker, he had to stop imagining her doing that which disgusted him so much.

One fellow was very religious, and believed in the devil. He chose to see the woman he was infatuated with as the devil inside the body of the attractive woman. Every time he thought of her, he imagined that he could see the devil at work. He used his strong religious beliefs and his imagination in defense of his wife, kids, family and friends.

One man couldn't find anything that disgusted him enough. What worked for him was imagining himself at age 70 bagging groceries because he had lost all his retirement savings through a divorce. So, every time he found himself thinking of her, he paired it with the image of him being old and bagging groceries, and the infatuation left him quickly.

In summary, things that have helped others:

1. Imagining something disgusting you can pair with any positive imaginings.
2. Imagining something you fear or are worried about, like poverty in retirement.
3. Imagining something you desire for yourself:

• Integrity: the pride you will feel when you successfully honor the vows you took when you wed.
• Successful parenting: the joy you'll feel when you've finished raising your boys and they go forward with you as their role model.
• A marriage that lasts: imagine yourself and your wife in your old age, having weathered the storms and temptations of life, holding each others gnarled hand, still in love and an inspiration to others.

Now, I need some feedback. Did any of these ideas ring a bell with you? If so, which are you going to try?

If not, I'll need to know several things about you:

1. What is your greatest strength? We can use that to fight this fire (if you don't know what your greatest strength is, I'll point you to a free test you can take to find out.)
2. What things scare you?
3. What is your biggest worry?
4. What are you most proud of about yourself?

I'm glad you chose me to reach out to. I've helped others get over infatuation. We'll get this thing licked.

One more helpful thought. It will be easier to get over infatuation if you can start imagining you and your wife working together to build a truly extraordinary marriage. One that is very loving and will last till death parts you.

In other words, you aren't asking yourself to give up this incredibly desirable seeming temptation to continue on with the seemingly less exciting same old, same old, marriage you've been having.

Use your imagination to see the possibilities of re-igniting some of the fire in your marriage. That's the purpose of the site we are building and we'd be delighted to have you and your wife join as soon as it's ready to launch.

My best to you,

Ken Johnston

To return to the top of the page, click on: Get Over Infatuation

To join the team of other couples committed to marriages that last, click on: Join the Team